Highway to Happy

I’m using Keng’s laptop in typing this, and after seeing all our pictures in his files, I was urged to write this entry.

Almost exactly the same time four years ago, we were accomplishing our application forms for various schools. I remember teasing him about merely copying from mine, including the choice of course. Back then, we often ask each other questions about the future, about what’s in store for us after graduation. And by that, we meant what will happen to US after we part ways.

We were clouded with fears, then. We were scared about all the monsters awaiting us. We have faith in our relationship, but we were clueless about what College can do to change what we have. I mean, how many “break- up after high school” stories do we have to hear to be concerned?

And that was how we were four years ago.

Now, as we are about to face another life-defining change, I notice we skipped that sort of pre- graduation ritual. We no longer ask what ifs and give maybes. We had been through this episode years ago- when we were a lot more immature and selfish, when we were still possessive and jealous. But even then, we survived. So perhaps that explains the absence of fear of uncertainties.

I know it’s going to be different out there. I’m not saying things will be easier in the years to come. I mean, there will still be monsters, like hellish work schedules, slave- driver bosses and slutty secretaries and flirt officemates. Entering College after high school is nothing compared to entering the real world after College. But then again, the point is, we were nothing like how we used to be.

Looking back at how we took care of our relationship gives me more than enough assurance that there’s nothing life will throw at us that we can’t surpass.

A couple of days ago, a friend started a conversation with this question:

“Do you really want to be a housewife?”

Completely out of nowhere, he raised that question, but I wasn’t really surprised. I receive that all the time. The whys, the confuse looks, even some disgusted looks. But I still give the same answer, “yes”.

I don’t know why people find it hard to understand that. Am I the only human being in this planet who wants nothing more than a loving husband and two or three kids who would stay cute and sweet despite their ages?

Perhaps, it’s not that they don’t understand.
Perhaps, my answer is too simple. A “yes” might be too straightforward that they assume I would get married straight after graduation.

Oh well, for my family’s ( and Keng’s) peace of mind, that’s not what my “yes” meant. Actually, it’s sort of the opposite of that.

I said “I want to be a housewife”.

By that I actually meant, “Before I settle down, I want to accomplish every selfish dream I have. So when I’ll start my own family, I would be happy to be taken away by the love of my life, even though he would ask me to just stay in the house and wait for him to go home after work, cook him dinner, clean our own castle, run after the kids and scrub their drawings off our neatly- painted walls.”

The I-want-to-be-a-housewife answer is obviously a shortcut. It’s not a goal, actually, but more of a sign that I have fulfilled my dreams and that I’m ready to create new ones with someone else.

So again, it’s not about limiting myself as a wife and a mother. It’s about doing whatever it takes, and whatever it doesn’t, to be the best wife and the best mother.

Three years had past. Three short years; or was it four?

I had forgiven you a long time ago, even though you never asked for it, even though you never admitted your faults. See? That’s the scariest thing about you. You believe in the lies you make, and you do everything to make other people believe in them, too.

I got past all the pain you caused me. I was able to take everything back. I ended up, no, I remained, I remained happy, while you ended up lost- with all the lies and the drama you created.

People said I should have tried understanding you. They said you were beaten up by life early on. They said you didn’t have a normal childhood. They said your history was painful.

I knew all that, and believe me, I tried. I tried looking at things from your point of view. I tried to understand. But I failed. I guess I would never understand why a person would want to make someone’s life miserable. Perhaps, as miserable as hers.

You knew “pain” well enough not to pass it on to someone else. You should have never wanted to turn into the persons who hurt you. But you did.

As I’ve said, I have forgiven you. I was fortunate to be surrounded by people who knew me well enough- and knew you well, too- not to believe in you. But I guess I can never like you, and everyone else who’s like you.

Why?

I was strong enough not to be destroyed by you.
I was brave enough to stand against you.

But how about the others who aren’t?

And for them, I would never open my doors to you.

Now, you’re slowly creeping back into my life, slowly sucking up to someone you knew who would take you back. But I’m warning you, he has been at his best these past years. And I’m talking about the three or four years that you were completely out of his life. He told me he hoped you had changed. I told him I do, too, but I doubt it.

One of these days, we might bump into each other. When that happens, you don’t have to fear because I wouldn’t push you in front of a bus. Although I might think of doing so, I won’t-

because I don’t take pleasure in hurting other people. That’s you.

I don’t find it hard to be honest. What I find difficult is being brutally honest.

Whenever friends ask for an opinion, they usually get the sweetest words from me. Not that I want to flatter them, but it’s just that I tend to focus on the bright side of things, and I want to remain that way. But these days, it’s tough being that girl.

When we love a person, we try to protect him/ her. That’s easy to deal with.

I miss being the silver- lining girl, but I miss my friend more. So if this is what it takes to turn her to her old, bubbly and confident self, I’m ready to let go of Ms. Sunshine just to have her back.