Have you ever experienced topping an extremely difficult, mind- boggling, even nose-bleeding exam without even looking at your notes or devoting the shortest time to review?
I haven’t, but I guess I know exactly how it feels. He sends me that feeling every minute. Having him in my life, even though I still can’t figure out what weird twist of fate made us cross path, makes me realize, somewhere, in spite of my imperfections, I might have done something right.
All these years, I am admittedly the one on the weaker end of our relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I’m neither the possessive, overly jealous girlfriend nor the too narrow-minded, wicked monster. I am understanding, patient, sweet and loving in my own right. But compared to his efforts, I would appear as the girlfriend who takes his boyfriend for granted.
That caused me to be intimidated by him. His thoughtfulness used to scare the hell out of me. For the shallow reason that I know I would never be able to measure up to his efforts. I used to question his intentions. I used to say he would soon get tired and transform to the exhausted, tired of courting and spoiling the girlfriend kind of boyfriend. I used to judge him as being too good to be true. But everyday, every waking day, he had proven me wrong. He never got tired. He never got pissed off. He never turned to the “normal” boyfriend.
As I’ve said, I used to be intimidated. But through years of him making me feel he is just as lucky to have me, I learned to let go of my insecurities. I buried the speculations and lived with the thought that, perhaps, I unconsciously do the kind of things he does for me. I’m no longer clouded with disbeliefs. Well, not the bad kind, at least. He still surprises me. He still leaves me dumbfounded. Often, actually. But, unlike before, I no longer question his intentions. I just relish those moments he makes my heart melt and just allow myself to fall in love with him over and over.
I still don’t know how he does it, though. His tolerance level skyrockets, especially when he’s aware I’m stressed out. His Spoiler meter extends its limit, if there is a limit, whenever I’m bound to be a brat. Everyday, in our five years, he never failed to express not just that he loves me, but how incredibly much. Everyday, through small gestures, he mirrors how amazing his love is. And those smalltime surprises, the smalltime acts of love, when pulled together, sum up to a love so great some people could only dream of finding.
Back then, I feel so undeserving. These days, I feel over-blessed.
Sometimes, when you’re touched by an overwhelming kindness, you feel intimidated and you allow that light to overpower you. But no, his goodness is different. It is sincere. It is unselfish. It is anything but commanding. He radiates compassion and love even when he has all the reasons to hate. He is honest, as always, without having to hurt. He cares silently. He trusts easily. Even when he always tries to be guarded, his goodness slips through the cracked walls of his heart
He possesses an overwhelming kindness. Everyday, I’m touched by it; deeply moved by it. And everyday is a struggle to do better. He makes me want to be better.