Thursday, February 5, 2009

One Down

Prepared ourselves for the baccalaureate mass. Then, straight to Yuchengco for the recognition rehearsal. Okay, it was so hot in there. Names were attached in the seats. Igna. Somewhere there. Need to find it. Oh, wait. Hugo, then, Manasan. Isn’t my surname supposed to be somewhere in between those two? Crap. I am graduating. But where the hell is my name? Margot and Kat found theirs already. Then, Jane called me. Oh, she found my name. Wait a second. Why am I in the front row? And why in the world am I seated beside Yu Galan, Dexter Alandy Dy? And Chui, Jane Carol? Then Lee, Conrad Jonathan after her? I think I’m getting this. ACPACI, all over again. But what does that have to with graduation?

Two days earlier, I spent a minimum of 2 hours in Medrano waiting for the Animo Board pictorial. Across the entrance, names of special awardees (Excellence, thesis, etc) were posted. I didn’t even bother looking at it. I can afford waiting for two days to find out who among my classmates would receive precious medals. Besides, I think my guesses were all right. Then, this friend approached and congratulated me with that usual, “Naks, awardee”. I said “thank you”, thinking he was referring to me qualifying for Honorable Mention. I’ve completely forgotten about that incident later on that day.

Going back to the rehearsal, I was clueless until (my ex-boss) Dex arrived. Unlike me, though, he knew exactly what was going on. He mentioned about this SGV Gold Medal for Excellence thingy and I was completely taken aback.

Me? I mean, us? An Excellence award. Cool.

Beside Academic awards, I haven’t really received any extra-curricular recognition since gradeschool. Well, aside from that Most Outstanding Girl Scout Certificate I received in Grade 6, which I’ve been trying to erase in my memory, but failed, all these years, and that Conduct Award in Highschool, that my parents thought of as a joke when I told them, I never received any leadership or sports- related, much more, arts- related award. So this SGV thing was new and surprising for me.

Like I always say, graduating on time was enough. But, God was generous, as he always had been, and He helped me qualify for Honorable Mention. That made me really happy, more for my parents, than myself. Because years ago, I made a promise that in every graduation, my parents would see me walk up the stage to receive something more than a rolled- up paper, something I extremely worked hard for, and I would see their eyes beaming with pride. I never mentioned this to them but I now hold in my heart the satisfaction of fulfilling a promise to myself. I’m sure my parents knew, all along, that I was doing it for them.

I know it might mean nothing much graduating with distinction, and that SGV medal could just be a way of promoting their firm. Awards are forgettable, but the look in my parents’ eyes whenever they open a graduation souvenir program and find my name in there under whatever award, that, that one’s priceless.

Monday, February 2, 2009

So what is this all about?

I dropped the question.

Where's the answer i BADLY need?

That Freakin' Line

In more than a handful of instances, I’ve met people who find hard letting their guard down. Some have trust issues. Others are just natured- defensive. A few, though, just don’t want to let others in.

Never was I able to understand what could have happened for them to choose not to care. For those people, the problem is they created this invisible, yet uncrossable line that separates them from the rest of the world, and vice-versa. In my case, though, I don’t have the thinnest of that protective line and I always, always cross others’ and inevitably, I end up affected and hurt.

I can’t help but care.. about classmates looking gloomy, friends being unusually quiet, a friend changing so much, another friend feeling incomplete, and another who had just broken up with his girlfriend. It is in my nature to care, to be concerned and to shoulder others’ worries, as if I don’t have enough of my own to deal with. I cry sometimes, out of frustration. A friend once said I should just watch from afar and let others live their lives. Besides, they are old enough and they won’t listen if they don’t want to. I admit he’s right, but that’s just so not me.

Some, or even most, people would continue to be indifferent and distant. I should learn to accept that. It is, as I should have understood long ago, their nature. But it is also my nature to care and to worry about others. I would eventually get hurt, I know. But still.

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