Monday, August 27, 2007

To a Dear Friend

[ To whoever’s reading this entry: if you felt, even in the slightest measure, that I wrote this for you then, trust me, it is certainly for you.]

I don’t know if you ever think of me or if you know me still, but you’re thoughts haunt me every single day. I have this weird feeling that you’re aware of this, but there’s a bigger possibility that you’re not. Don’t think I’m doing this to make you feel guilty. There’s no reason for that. Honestly, I’m doing this for myself. I’m doing this in the hope of never ever having to think of you in that way again.
I don’t hate you.. I don’t even dislike you.. you’re a good person; you’ve been a great friend. Don’t doubt the friendship we shared. What I showed and shared with you, all the smiles and care, those were real. All these years, I’ve been wishing you well. See? The problem here is me. It’s not you, sweetie.
He asked me millions of times why can’t I get over you. It has been years and a lot have happened after that. Still, that experience stays fresh in the tiny corner of my heart. The busy sched, new found friends, and a handful of heartaches aren’t sufficient to pile above that PAST and bury it.
I never admitted this to anyone, but now I’m just banking on the faith that you’ll understand: dear, I'm jealous of you. I'm still jealous of you. Of all the girls who came close to him, it was just you whom I felt this way. Oftentimes, we reason out that if we get jealous, then that girl is definitely giving us a reason to. But this is a different case. Again, I want to say you have done nothing wrong.
You might be puzzled on why, after all this years, I have to bring this up again. Why now when both of us are already happy with our own lives. The reason is this:

Every time we argue about something and I bring up your name, I feel guilty. I feel like I’m backstabbing a friend.

So as I finally let this out, I also let go of all the vicious sparks and ghosts of the past. I’m sorry if any word or phrase in this entry made you feel bad. What I wrote in here is what I exactly wanted to tell you. This is one of the few instances when I can say I have been completely honest with every word you’ve read.
You’ll remain one of my most- treasured friends. And dear, if you have time, you can leave a message or call me anytime.

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