Monday, November 24, 2008

My Turn

Last year, I posted about being “Next in Line”. I was half- joking about it and half- hoping it would come true. Fortunately for me, perhaps, unfortunate for La Salle, I got in the team.

So from being next in line, it’s now my turn. So what now??

From the moment the team was selected, I was doubting and laughing at myself. Like, what in the world would a person like me do in that competition? I’m the least competitive person you would ever meet. I don’t take pleasure in winning over others. Not that it’s wrong to want that. Some people live for that; the drive, the energy, the “high”. It just so happened I’m not one of them.

But since I’m already in and there’s no way I could beg off, and I don’t think I would want to, either, I should now concentrate on the things I need to master. Well, more like, muster.

Since God knows when, I’ve been my no. 1 detractor. Weird, I know. From the façade, from the way I stand and walk with my head up high, it seems like I have all the confidence I need. But, like mentioned, that’s just skin-deep. It’s what’s inside that matters. And that is where, I believe, I’m lacking. To top that off, I was grouped with 2 undeniably witty souls, who mentally flourished in the last four years more than I did in my entire existence. Mind you, there’s not a pinch of exaggeration in that statement. They are both star scholars. One is a sure Summa Cum Laude and the other is a sureshot Cum Laude. Me? Don’t ask. I’m not even sure to graduate.

So to add up to my doubts and hesitations, I honestly feel my role there is to just type their ideas and create the template for the powerpoint presentation. I’m confident I would have parts on the oral report, though. Because if there’s anything I could be convinced I’m good at, it’s public speaking. Then, again, compared to my 2 groupmates, I’m starting to doubt that, too.

Let’s play a game.

Conrad Lee. Dexter Yu Galan. Liana Igna.

Name the one who doesn’t belong.

I bet no one would guess wrong.

Ranting. And ranting some more. I know this wouldn’t help. But this isn’t ranting, really. I’m actually trying to get saturated from not believing in myself. That’s the only solution I could think of. Pathetic.

For some weird reason, people dodge the idea of me being not good enough, of me not being capable enough. They say Sir picked the perfect combination for the team. They say we could make it. They gave us all their confidence. Sometimes, knowing that helps. But from another point of view, that spells expectations. And that’s one more thing I’m scared of.

From the way I look at this opportunity, it seems like everything went wrong somehow. I underrate myself. I take expectations as pressures rather than motivations. And I really think La Salle would kick me out if we don’t win this thing. Perhaps, events happened too quickly. I didn’t have the time off to think it over, absorb what’s happening and actually prepare myself before going out there. It was like I was put on the spot. Which shouldn’t be the case, because we are given time to prepare for this. So for tonight, I would shut this laptop off, give myself time to run through everything that happened, accept the pressure, search for motivations and perhaps, tomorrow, it’s going to be different. I know I can’t be a brand new person overnight. But I vow to take it a step at a time, redeem myself with every practice case and think of my groupmates more as friends rather than standards I have to reach. Because, in the first place, the reason why I got myself into this is because I knew I would be in the company of good friends.

La Salle’s winning team last year opened their case with this striking statement:

In this world, you only have two choices: adapt or die.

On that note, it’s definitely obvious what my next course of action should and must be.

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