Highway to Happy

Going into of a 5-day work-free vacation can be a little bit overwhelming. I was excessively excited a couple of weeks before I take off to Davao with my mom and a close friend of hers, who is also the boyfriend’s aunt (small world, right?). But as the date was nearing, excitement was slowly transforming into anxiety. I worked weekend after weekend just to make sure I would cover all my responsibilities. Filed vacation leaves and all, I still felt a tinge of guilt having to be absent and not take part in the teams’ responsibilities. I was getting too anxious to the point I had to text my staff, right before I board the plane, to check if everything was going smoothly. Second work-related text I sent the same time I first set foot into the beautiful city of Davao.

And then I allowed, or sort of forced, myself to let go.

Almost 2 years in the work force, add the fact that I’m still with my first employer, everything can get pretty repetitive and exhausting at times. Seeing friends move on to other opportunities can add to the anxiety that builds up whenever I feel like being left behind. I fear waking up one day and realizing that every single soul has overtaken me. Taking a break brought me back to my senses and landed me right into the very reason why I stayed in the first place.

I enjoyed my much deserved break, especially the conversations I had with my mom. A week passed since then; I had 20 hours of sleep the past 5 days. I feel exhausted, yes, but without the slightest intention to quit. You know how people say you should sleep it off and everything gets better the next day? That’s very true. Even though sometimes it takes more than just a good night's sleep, the point is, we all deserve a break; a short period of time to step out of the picture, look from the outside and allow ourselves to miss it. At the end of the day, we only need to be reminded of the reason why we have been holding on for too long. And that reason, whatever it is, makes it all worth it.

Take any Friday night. Pick a comfortable spot; restaurant or maybe a coffee shop. Then, put girls in the picture. Regardless of interest and profession, mind you, the conversation will inevitably lead into boys/boyfriends. And, boyfriend talk will, and I’m willing to bet on this, always, always lead into that one girl.

That girl who, in whatever way, intentionally or unintentionally, messed up a phase in your relationship. That girl who is the clingy “bestfriend”. That girl who is incapable of perceiving that red line between friend and girlfriend. That girl who doesn’t even lift a finger in stealing your man but you just know it in your heart that she secretly longs to be with him. That girl who, in a parallel universe, could have been the one in the arms of your man. And I can go on and on rationalizing about this ill feeling but the truth is, take all the reasons out, there will always be that one girl who personifies the word “threat” in your relationship.

I am one of the fortunate girls whose relationship was never bothered by third parties. But even so, I am not an exception to the unwritten rule of having “That one girl” whose name my boyfriend isn’t even allowed to utter. I have been bothered by her, or at least the idea of her, for the longest time I willingly admit it’s no longer healthy. Her status updates affect my mood, her daring pictures make me hate my body, her flirtatious ways make me want to strap my boyfriend in a chair even though he doesn’t even look. In all fairness to the boyfriend, he doesn’t give the slightest care about this girl and he laughs at the fact that I get jealous and insecure of a girl he doesn’t even find attractive.

This year, despite my lack of belief in the possibility of New Year’s Resolutions being successful, I promised myself I would let go of the idea of her being better slash more attractive slash more interesting slash more deserving than myself. I started shaky, riding on the loop of checking out everything that’s happening with her what with all the social networks that make it possible. But after the constant effort and constant reassurance form the boyfriend, I actually, finally, successfully removed her from my system. I have too much to think about to continuously carry her ghost in my life.

So, the first milestone of my 2011 is getting over you. Yes, you.

I was going through old multiply entries, feeling all nostalgic, when I came across this:

I know this would probably no longer count, since you have submitted your resignation letter already. But hear me out!

1. No one will do your signature “she’s taken” hand on my shoulder move when a guy comes too close. And that comes pretty handy especially during the recruitment season. Who will drop the boyfriend bomb for me now?

2. Last time I checked, there is not a single branch of Travel Café, Mr. Rockefeller and Toastbox around that area. You’ll be stuck with Café Breton for comfort food. You don’t want that.

3. It will be too painful, to the point of being almost tormenting, to see your name there, in my list of ST contacts and not be able to reach you with a chatbox. And deleting you is not an option!

4. You have no one to bug you in the morning about having an early lunch break only to ditch you because of loads of unexpected work that came later on. Ok, this is not exactly a positive thing but you have got to miss that, right?

5. You have to live without your action movie urges on an office night. You have no gf only 5 floors away to ambush with late movie invites and no favorite movie house around the corner, too. Poor you.

6. Banana Republic, Celio, Kenneth Cole and Springfield will no longer be your neighbors. No more instant retail therapy for you!

7. Being in love with you is one thing. Walking 3 blocks and back just to buy you Nai Cha is an entirely different level of devotion! No one will do that for you, you crazy milk tea addict!

8. Our petty tiffs will surely be extended, what with all the craziness distance can bring into a relationship. You will be too busy and I will be too stubborn. And there’s no 20-minute Ayala Ave. walkathon we can take anytime just too calm ourselves down, anymore.

9. On the days you are too exhausted, too burned out and lacking sleep for too many days, there will be no more “If you don’t leave the bed, we won’t get to see each other” text to comfort you and give you the energy to face another working day.

I can go on and on, lengthening this list in a desperate attempt to change your mind for the benefit of your selfish girlfriend, but I won’t. Because I don’t want to. Nagpapacute lang ako sayo. :)

Now the serious part…

Despite and in spite of all the uncertainties, I never said “think about it” or “are you sure about this?” and other discouraging phrases. Because, even though all these were floating on top of my brain, the moment you told me your plans, I felt that certainty in your voice only people who have figured out what they truly wanted can sound like. Deep inside, past layers and layers of sentiments, self-centered reasons and fears, mostly about missing you to death, I am happy for you. I am happy you have found what you can truly be passionate about. And I can’t be any more proud that you possess the courage to pursue it. Certainly, adjusting to not having you around will be bloody difficult, but we are in this relationship not just for the lovey dovey part. Above everything, we are here to help each other become the best version of ourselves.

So scratch all of the above stated reasons because they do not matter. I promise you I’ll drop the boyfriend bomb myself when some lame guy dares take a step too close. I promise to always be on the look-out for Greenbelt sales and be very willing to buy a couple of pieces for you when you aren’t available to check them out yourself. I promise to, once in a while, reserve tickets for testosterone-filled movies that suit your taste, despite the palpitation I get from deafening gun shots. Emphasis on once in a while. I promise to make time for unplanned dinner dates even during the busiest busy season and never let sleep deprivation be an excuse to not spend time with you. And we’ll find new favorite places to eat, new favorite spots to share a cup of coffee, new favorite reading nook and all that.

I promise to remain your comfort and your partner, through ups and downs and ordinary days. And I promise to remain faithful, not just as a girlfriend, but as a believer of everything you can become.

There.
I love you.
Make all those ‘eventualities’ happen.
And best of luck.