Highway to Happy

Out of the blue, perhaps for an ice- breaker, my professor asked us what our greatest fears are. A handful said it was losing a loved one. A girl in the second row answered being alone, while a friend beside her said it was what’s unknown that scares her. Others answered different things, but they all revolved around darkness, and what lies behind it, loss, and loneliness.

Fortunately, I wasn’t called that day. Had I been picked, I wouldn’t have known what to answer. But I guess I already knew, even then, what I was most afraid of. I just happen to not be brave enough to put a face to it.

Actually, the ice- breaker incident I wrote about happened exactly a term ago. Bringing it up was my excuse to share about the things that freak me out.

Like any other anti- horror movies gal, I’m afraid of the dark. I used to watch this cable show, “Are you afraid of the dark?”, and regret it, everytime, after hearing that tic of the light switch at bedtime. I remember shutting my eyelids so tight so I wouldn’t witness that moment when everything would just turn black in a heartbeat. It’s funny, though, because I see the same darkness, anyway. Perhaps, seeing nothing with eyes closed is different from seeing nothing with eyes wide open.

Flying cockroaches, yes, they freak me out, too. I can stand seeing one at the bathroom floor or under the table, as long as they’re on their feet. Why did God even give them wings?

Climbing really steep stairs make me nervous, as well as hearing my brother raise his voice. There are a whole lot of other things that scare the hell out of me. I can go on and on and the list could be endless. People say life is short, and we have to find ways to fight our fears. I believe that. I’ve also tried doing that. But there is this thing that frightens me, and I don’t know whether I can fight it. I don’t even know if I want to.

Keng’s story is not, and had never been, a secret. My friends, and his, too, know about what happened that fateful day when everything about him changed- except that version of him when he’s with me. I know he’ll never be the same after that, and I don’t’ ask him to be. When I look at him and see how deep the cut still is, I’m just thankful I knew him before any of that ever happened. It somehow made it easier for me to understand.

More than the loss of a loved one, Keng also lost his faith in the goodness of people. I can’t blame him. He was hurt, in the worst way possible, and being defensive was the only way he thought he could protect himself. He found it difficult to trust and let his guard down, except when I’m around. He still trusts me about everything and with all his heart. That scares me. No, losing that scares me.

Sometimes, I get carried away and say mean things to him. Sometimes, I push him away, even when him leaving is the last thing I want. There were times I would be the wicked girlfriend, and he would take all the blame even though I was at fault. I hurt him, I know. Oftentimes, unintentionally. Sometimes, necessarily.

Still, I end up hurting him when he doesn’t deserve a drop of pain.

I dread I might say words or do things that would break his heart, and he would stop trusting me. That’s my greatest fear. I don’t want to end up like everyone else, standing behind the protective walls of his heart, seeing a smile even when he’s crying inside. I don’t want to lose our connection, when all he needs to do is give me that look whenever something reminds him of his dad or when he wants to talk about him.

I’m scared of hurting him.

I don’t ever want to be the kind of person that hurts him.

# posted by Liana : 10:16 PM