Highway to Happy

When one finds no reason to bear life, he commits suicide.
When one finds no other way to escape traps, he commits suicide.
When one is submerged in too many complications, he commits suicide.

Suicide is an act of killing oneself purposely. Either by slashing one’s wrist, taking too many sleeping pills, jumping off a building, or whatever possible way, still, their souls will go to Hell- that dreaded place of torment and destruction.

I beg to disagree with that.

Not all those successful in committing suicide go straight to Satan’s side. Some still walk this Earth- I’m one of them.

If you’re dying to see the slash marks on my wrist, sorry, I didn’t do it that way. Neither did I swallow a handful of pills nor jump off a condominium. I killed myself. I killed my soul, rather, slowly, with all the NOs and I THINK I CAN’Ts.

I doubt myself all the time, but not because of other people. What they say about me doesn’t really matter. The say mean words- I’m not affected. They utter pure praises- I don’t believe.

So, in spite and despite of other people’s opinions, I still think I’m SMALL; way too small to be able to accomplish anything worth of recognition. Whenever opportunities knock, I let them pass, or I find a way to make it appear I wanted to open the door but just can’t due to circumstances other than my cowardice.

I saved myself from shameful situations and the loser image, but also deprived myself of recognition and self- worth. My block mates never saw me lose, but that didn’t make me a winner. My friends never had to console me because of a failure, but they also never applauded me for an achievement.

I lived life the easiest way possible: going with the flow and never stepping on the ledge.

Fortunately, I was able to creep out of the dark room I created to trap myself. It just hit me that I am more than who I perceive I am, and there are people kind enough to reassure me without them even knowing it.

At a snail’s pace, I regained confidence. I started exploring (and enjoying) my capabilities- signing up for this is a giant step. I lived each day, obtaining strength from compliments, until I was able to get by with just faith in myself.

At one point in my life, I committed suicide.

Rather,

at several points in my life, I committed suicide. I killed my soul by losing all the dreams I wanted to make real to doubts and sheer cowardice. Now, I know better. I know my worth and everyday failures don’t make my knees wobble, anymore. I’m smarter, and yes, I’m braver. I’ve changed, and I’m ALIVE- AGAIN.