Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Oprah's Right, After All
I had an amazing set of friends to depend on, an almost perfect family to run to, an academic record to brag about, a pile of achievements I can boast of, and a seemingly perfect partner to love.
I had them all. Life was perfect; except that it was in past tense.
Since I entered College, I basically confined myself to being just a diligent student and a faithful girl friend. I avoided actively participating in organizations and building deeper friendships. I prioritized my studies and spent what's left of my time with him.
Then, I got tired- not of being a student and a girl friend, but of being just a student and just a girl friend.
I felt like I was practically missing alomst everything College had to offer. So before it was too late, I tried engaging in those things I previously avoided.
I hanged out with friends more often; still life was perfect.
I'm currently applying for EIC of the org's publication; still life was perfect.
I opened my eyes and saw all the opportunities laid down before me; life became shaky.
I figured out what i wanted to do and who I wanted to become; my life broke into pieces.
I made loads of promises but the one I never failed to keep was my promise that I would always be honest with him. I tell him what I think and how I feel regardless of hurting him big time.
That was exactly what happened yesterday.
We talked. I cried. And he didn't wipe my tears as they rolled down my cheeks. I din't expect him to, either, even if he does that all the time. That was too much to ask from him.
I broke his heart.
No, that's an understatement.
I crushed it, slowly, with every word that came out of my mouth.
I wasn't screaming at his face. I never did. My voice was so soft, as if I was trying, at the very least, to lessen the impact of the words he was about to hear. I cried before I could even utter a single word.
I said I was letting him go, not because I thought he wanted me to or he did something that pushed me to, but because I wasn't ready for a commitment.
Yes, such a lame reason. After four years? Now, I'm actually saying I'm not ready. Slap me now. Slap me harder. It won't matter. I meant every single word. I'm not ready. I thought I was. No, I really was, but not anymore.
I know what I want, and there are just some things I cannot compromise. The upcoming years, the next major decisions he will make, I want him to just consider what he wants and how he wants it; not how it will fit into our happy ever after.
I want the same for me.
I can give up everything for him, I once said. I still can, in the right time. Right now, I just want to work on those things I will eventually give up for a lifetime with him. What will I leave behind? What will I possibly offer him, if I haven't made anything out of myself?
I have dreams. And it's an obligation to one's self to pursue them.
Commitment- it's such a big word. I don't want to ask and take from him something I cannot give.
"You can have it all. You just can't have it all at once", said Oprah.
I had to give up something. And giving him up doesn't mean he was the least important. I chose to deal with my other priorities now because I want to reserve the other half of my life for him.
When I'm already fulfilled... when I'm already secured of who I've become.. when I no longer have frustrations... when all that is left for me to do is just love you... I sincerely hope you're still there... I hope I can still have you...
# posted by Liana : 7:33 PM
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Hello dear. I regularly visit your blog. It's moving:)
Anyway, this entry's just too sad. It must have been so hard for you. I feel that every once in a while too. But whatever, if you believe you're meant to be together, then you will be:)
Take care!
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Anyway, this entry's just too sad. It must have been so hard for you. I feel that every once in a while too. But whatever, if you believe you're meant to be together, then you will be:)
Take care!
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